Interview: Choosing Simplicity at Midlife
For more than two decades, the activist and author Bruce O'Hara has explored the world of work in publications such as Working Harder Isn't Working and Put Work In Its Place.
Now in Enough Already! O'Hara, 53,
focuses on midlife and the opportunities
it offers to create a more simple and balanced lifestyle.
AHB caught up with Mr. O'Hara in Courtney, B.C.
where he lives with his partner Adriana.
Let's start with retirement; you claim traditional retirement offers a false freedom. What do you mean?
Traditional retirement is full of limiting assumptions that masquerade as freedom. We are offered the "freedom" to never to work again, even though work - paid or unpaid - is one of the great joys of life. We are promised the "freedom" to take it easy and sleep in till noon, even though it is well documented that inactivity causes seniors to age far faster than they need do. A lack of new challenges is a recipe for boredom, not bliss.
"Freedom" from responsibilities is also part of the siren song: You owe the world nothing. The main reward for this supposed emancipation is usually social isolation and feelings of uselessness. It's a toxic, often unconscious script that limits far more than it liberates. Retirement should be about having more choices, not fewer.
Explain the role of living simply. Are men and women ready to hear this at midlife?
While it can happen that a person who works, sleeps and watches TV through their midlife years will blossom into a vibrant, dynamic and involved elder later in life, it doesn't happen often. Once you're past the age of 40, whether you know it or not, you're already in training for your retirement.
It is somewhere between difficult and impossible to hold down a full-time job - particularly in the long-hours culture of today's workplace - and to have any life outside work worth mentioning. It's not just a set-up for later unhappiness, it's not much fun in the present, either. To actually have a life, a person needs to work significantly less than full-time, and that usually requires finding ways to live well on a smaller income.
Are most men and women ready to hear that at midlife? No. Most of my generation will wear itself out in the pursuit of false dreams. However, significant minorities of baby boomers are cutting themselves loose from the rat race, and are paying whatever financial price is required to do so. Others are being pushed into rethinking their priorities by depression, burnout or a health crisis.
Each person who chooses a simpler but richer life for themselves also becomes a beacon for others. My work is just to remind people they have choices. What's your time worth? What is your life, your aliveness worth? Are you selling yourself out for toys and trinkets?
In your book, you emphasize the themes: purpose, connection and challenge. How are these important for those in their middle years?
Most North Americans are so frenetically busy, I don't think it often comes up for them to feel either 'happy' or 'unhappy:' They live in their Do Lists. That being said, it is my perception that those basic needs are the keys to a richly satisfying life at any age.
It should also be noted that paid work often does a better job of appearing to meet those needs than it does of actually meeting them. A career that once felt like a special calling may have devolved over the decades into a gilded cage. Social connections at work can be hurried and superficial. Work can be very stressful and demanding, yet actually offer few challenges for new learning. The 'challenge' is simply to survive.
Part of the charm and attraction of places such as Mexico or Thailand is the strong and vital web of family and community relationships in those societies. The frenzied busyness of North American working life has made our communities hollow and empty by comparison. In this society, it usually requires a conscious, careful effort to meet fully our needs for purpose, connection and challenge. It also requires time, lots of time.
I find your book appealing because it is both philosophically rich and full of practical suggestions. What in your research surprised you?
I was surprised at the consistency of what I found. Whether it was the research of Successful Aging scientists, semi-biographical books about aging by seniors, more journalistic investigations such as Abigail Trafford's My Time, or the many informal interviews I conducted with feisty seniors, the same themes kept recurring. After Enough Already! was already to press, I read Marika and Howard Stone's book Too Young to Retire, and Ralph Warner's Getting a Life, and was amazed at how both books had independently reached conclusions remarkably similar to my own.
The other thing that surprised me was that I really started to notice, in a more direct and visceral way, how differently we human beings age. Part of it was that I became 'impolite' enough to start asking seniors their ages. I realized that I had just assumed that 55 looks like this, 70 looks like that, 85 looks like that, and I had assigned anyone I met presumed ages according to those preconceptions. When I began to realize that some of my putative 70-year-olds were in fact only 55, while others were actually 85, I really began to take in not only how differently we age, but how much aging is a psychological process rather than a physical one.
And that was because the other thing I couldn't help but see is that the more fearful and self-limiting people were, the more quickly they became old, frail and forgetful. Aging is 20 percent biology and 80 percent attitude. People need to understand that.
Enough Already! is published by New Star Books.
In Search of Your Dream Job
John has been an accountant since his early twenties. Now with early retirement on the horizon, he is looking for a new challenge. But what to do? The only world he knows is accounting. Like John, many midlife workers, find breaking out of the old job mindset difficult. So here's an exercise to get you started.
D.A.T.A. Checkup. Your D.A.T.A. takes into account your Desires, your Abilities, your Temperament and your Assets.
- Ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I really want to do at this point in my life? (Desires)
- What am I really good at? (Abilities)
- What kind of a person am I and in what kinds of situations am I most satisfied and productive? (Temperament)
- What advantages have I built up? (Assets) Think: network of contacts, sterling reputation, pension benefits, solid work ethic.
Now study the results. Taken together, your desires, abilities, temperament and assets give you important data - a new core to build your work life around in life's second half. Keep this exercise handy. And plan to update it once or twice during the year.
Source: Jobshift: How to Prosper in a Workplace Without Jobs by William Bridges
How Women Are Using Midlife Angst to Pursue New Opportunities
Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in dark woods,
the right road lost.
- Dante, The Divine Comedy
Marilyn Shawn got restless at age 50. After her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, she began to feel like something was missing in her life.
Elizabeth Dawson felt the beginning rumbles of change around 46, after her youngest daughter left for university.
Men and women are both susceptible to the angst of Dante's midlife journey. The difference lies in what they do about it.
Women facing uncertainty and restlessness at midlife are turning it into an opportunity to overhaul, to revitalize and to re-invigorate their lives.
"Women are doing things that allow them to show off their aptitudes, their skills or even their personalities," says Deborah Carr, professor of sociology at Rutgers University in New Jersey.
More than any generation of women before them, women today have the money, the education, and the confidence to turn a midlife sense of disorientation into a daring second act.
"It's as if women at midlife start looking for 'the missing piece'," says Sue Shellenbarger, author of The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today's Women. The search is usually triggered by a loss of some sort - The death of a parent, the end of a relationship, a career that has stalled. The piece is different for each woman, as is the path each takes in its pursuit.
Women typically choose one of the following pathways:
Adventure/travel The catharsis of bold travel or physical adventure can help a woman "uproot a crippling anxiety, fear, or a shame that blocks her from connecting with her potential," Shellenbarger says. Some women may find the courage to make difficult decisions in other facets of their lives, as a result.
Love Some women seek a soul mate at midlife - a lover who promises a chance of attaining psychological intimacy. But this path can prove more complex and hazardous than first expected, Shellenbarger notes.
Leadership Others seek to make their mark on the world at midlife - perhaps by setting up a business or establishing a charitable foundation. They want "to get past others' rules and their own people-pleasing behaviour to create something new and uniquely their own," Shellenbarger says.
Artistic pursuits Still others retrieve an artistic dream, put aside earlier on. A woman decides, "to give number-one priority to her drama, music, writing, sculpture, painting, filmmaking, or acting," says Shellenbarger. From hereon, her primary joy arises from growing in creativity, manifesting her vision, and sharing her work with others.
Gardening Some midlife women dream of spending long hours in quiet pursuits - gardening, for example. The path of the Gardener "motivates a woman to live in the moment and to savour all that her senses can absorb from the world around her," says Shellenbarger. "Instead of ripping her life apart to pursue some new prize, adventure, or endeavour, the Gardener focuses inward and on her immediate surroundings." She nurtures existing relationships, invests in home projects or hobbies, and volunteerism.
Spirituality For still others, the missing part of themselves is the spiritual side. A significant minority of women in Shellenbarger's study described being deeply affected at some point by some kind of religious or spiritual experience.
Women who under-use their talents and abilities in the first half of life often have midlife regrets. But today, women are creating opportunities to revitalize and re-invigorate their lives during the middle years.
As Shellenbarger suggests: "Some are seeking love, leadership, or a spiritual mission or meaning, while others want nothing more than artistic self-expression or adventure. Many want a combination of these experiences."
The Breaking Point is published by Henry Holt and Company.
The heart has reasons which Reason knows not.
- Blaise Pascal
Canadian Boomers Get Aging Report Card
Today's aging boomers are much better behaved, when it comes to leading a healthy lifestyle, than their middle-aged counterparts of 25 years ago. But they are not aging any better than their forebears, says Andrew Wister in his new book, Baby Boomer Health Dynamics (University of Toronto Press).
Dr.Wister, a social demographer who is chair of the Department of Gerontology at Simon Fraser University, says Canadians' Achilles heel is their weight. "Comparing the baby boomers today with persons their age 25 years ago, smoking has declined by half; sedentary and infrequent exercise had dropped by 40 percent, and heavy drinking is down by two-thirds," explains Wister. "But obesity has doubled in only 15 years."
So what's going on here?
"The cause is changes in the quality and quantity of food consumption beyond which exercise levels have been able to counter, such as the super-sizing of fast food," Wister says. Today "twenty-five percent of the energy we burn comes from the other food group of the Canadian Food Guide, including pop, chips and desserts. Twenty percent of all meals are eaten outside of the home, many at fast food restaurants; 27 percent of people eat at least one meal in their car a week."
Given that research suggests midlife behaviours have important implications for the late years, Wister's study serves as a timely wake-up call.
Doing the Grandparent Gig
What will your grandkids say about you fifteen or twenty years from now? Perhaps they will echo the response of university students who took part in a study by Dr. Mariana Brussoni and Susan Boon of the University of Calgary.
Participants were asked to respond to the study in terms of the grandparent to whom they felt closest. In these grandparent sweepstakes, maternal grandmothers came in first, with paternal grandmothers, coming a distant second.
Students put a sense of family history at the top of the list of benefits bestowed by their grandparent, followed by unconditional acceptance, insight into the aging process, supportive advice and wisdom, and help in understanding parents.
Grandparents and grandchildren participated in a broad array of social activities - such as attending family gatherings, visiting friends and relatives, dining out, and playing cards and other games.
"The more young adults believe they share strong, emotionally fulfilling relationships with their closest grandparent, the more they perceive that person as an influential force in their lives," the researchers said.
And "Forget computer games, expensive fancy dolls, and high-tech toys for younger children," advise Kathryn and Allan Zullo in A Boomer's Guide to Grandparenting (Andrews McMeel Publishing). Instead, give them your love and time. According to the authors, grandparents play five important roles in their grandchildren's lives. They are playmate, friend, teacher, comforter and family historian.
Wisdom is born in wonder.
- Socrates
On the Web
Want to meet some dynamic new people in 2006? Join in some fascinating conversations, be nourished by fresh ideas, and become part of a caring global community? Then check out what's happening at PHILIA. Visit: www.philia.ca
Marian Van Eyk McCain explores the middle and late years as periods of hope and possibility. Born in 1936, Marian is an award-winning writer, who has lived and worked on three continents. Her books include Transformation Through Menopause, Elderwoman, and most recently, The Lilypad List: 7 Steps to the Simple Life. Today, Marian spends most of her time in her tiny, eighteenth century cottage near the sea in her native Devon, England where she concentrates on writing and environmental activism. Visit Marian at www.elderwoman.org
On behalf of Aging Horizons Bulletin we wish all our readers health and happiness in 2006. We enjoy hearing from you. Send your comments and suggestions to info@AgingHorizons.com - R.D.
